Saturday, October 15, 2016

Chunks?! You can't handle these Chunks!

Testing- one...two...Unique New York.  Unique New York. The human torch was denied a bank loan. Twenty thousand roaring orcs.  Ok, we're good.

Figured it was time to drop some more Chunks your way so without further ado...

Kimberly Sogioka

Kim Sogioka's "...clear, vivid mezzo-soprano gleams with heartbreaking empathy."  Besides being a badass performer and amazing singer, she is a phenomenal person.  She is that friend who always has the best stories and not in that "my stories are better than yours" way.  She's just done some incredible things!  She's sung an aria on top of Kilimanjaro!!!!  I mean come on!!  That's just badass.  I can't imagine how taxing it would be to sing at the altitude.  I can't sing after walking up a flight of stairs let alone 19,000 feet above sea level.  Upcoming gigs for Ms. Sogioka include Stephano in R&J and Berta in Barber of Seville.

Zachary Nelson 

Baritone Zach Nelson has been described as having "...a creamy baritone voice that has deeper bass-like overtones. He sings with great ease and naturalness and is an able actor."  Mmmmmm.  Creamy. Ice cream....Sorry, I'm back. Aside from dominating the opera stage, Zach is a good man who always has a smile on his face...unless the Raven's are losing, but we won't hold that against him.  Mr. Nelson's booming voice can currently be heard in Lyric Opera of Chicago's Das Rheingold as Donner. 

Robert Pomakov

Bass Rob Pomakov, or "Opera Bob" was hailed by the Washington Post as "...clearly a talent to watch. Embodying the melancholy heft and gloomy conviction of the classic Russian bass voice." His large, intimidating voice on stage is counterbalanced by his true easy going nature off stage.  Often seen wearing a classic bowler of fedora hat, he is just as at home on the Met stage as he is at his own bar in Toronto.  He has his own brew, too.  And if you want a real treat, hit up karaoke with Opera Bob.  You haven't lived till you've heard Proud Mary sung in full opera voice...

"I didn't tell you to buy pizza out of the trunk of that car!"

Othalie Graham

People smarter and more eloquent than I have called Ms. Graham "A svelte, beautiful lady, she moves with confidence and uses her expressive face to mirror the emotions of which she sings..." and "There was no shortage of strength to the voice, piercing through the orchestra, the chorus, and the full phalanx of principals."  Oh, and to top off all that nice stuff, she is ridiculously nice, kind, and giving.  Her bubbling personality is infectious.  You can't help but smile when Othalie is around.  She is currently rehearsing Turandot at Edmonton Opera.

Leo Nucci

Best. Headshot. On. Earth.

This man needs absolutely no introduction, so I won't give him one, minus saying he is one of the all time greats.  I added him to this post to share this video that has been making the rounds on social media.  Mr. Nucci is 74 years old.  Here he is singing a curtain call after a show of Rigoletto.  This man is a Bari-Chunk Legend.  (skip to about 2:00 in the video for actual singing)

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Wisdom from the Diva

Hello Bari-Chunks Nation!!  And a special shout out to my 3 most loyal readers- my mom, my wife, and ChunkLovin69 (please stop asking me for pictures...)

As always, I apologize for the absence of posts.  Life is time consuming sometimes.  But I now find myself with a few free moments so I thought I'd jot down a few thoughts.

A couple of weeks ago, I came across a post from the one and only, Christine Goerke.  For those of you who don't know who Ms Goerke is, "WHAT THE HELL!!! CRAWL OUT FROM WHATEVER ROCK YOUR UNDER AND LISTEN TO THIS WOMAN SING!!!! SWEET GOD ALMIGHTY! GET WITH THE TIMES!!!!"

I dare you to find a cooler opera gif out there

On top of being one of the most sought after, premier Divas, Ms Goerke is kind, generous, giving individual.  She works with young singers quite often, and is supportive of them, as well as all her colleagues.  Badass all around.  She is what a Diva should be.  Ms. Goerke (who for the record, I have never had the pleasure of meeting.  I just stalk her awesomeness via social media) posted this status on Facebook.


I can't tell you how much I love this status.  I want to cover that status in hot fudge and make sweet, sweet love to it.  All night long.  I want to cook it breakfast the morning after and send it flowers just to let it know I'm thinking about it.  

I bought you these puppies...

There are a few points I'd like to highlight.  

1. "What. About. The. Singing."  Um, duh!! It feels weird to me that as opera singers, we need to be reminded of this.  We are opera SINGERS.  Not opera models.  It is not a requirement to have 6 packs (unless it's beer), or biceps that can crush watermelons, and it's definitely not a requirement to have this: 
What do all those muscles do? Does one open cans?

Before I start getting hate mail, I promise I will qualify these statements later.  Just don't get your jocks in a bunch.  

2.  "Do you all find the same kinds of people attractive?"  I'll answer this rhetorical question for everybody- NO.  Not everybody likes the supermodel look.  Everybody has their own type.  Personally, when I see a supermodel do her little turn on the catwalk, yeah the catwalk, on the catwalk yeah, they do their little turn on the catwalk... (Sorry.  I just had a flashback to 1991) I always have the same gut reaction.  I desperately want them to eat a pizza.  I feel bad for them.  I want to send them money like a starving child in Africa.  Then I remember that they probably have enough money to buy Africa and I hate eat a pizza for them.  

I personally look for a woman who has bigger boobs than me, but that's just me.  Now once again, before I start getting even more hate mail, what I just said was a joke.  Kind of.  I look for much more than bra size in women.  I like legs too....KIDDING! And yes, my comment kind of objectified the opposite sex, but we all check people out.  My wife watched every single round of the men's Olympic diving events with this exact face:

        Wife chimes in: "That's also the face I make when I see a cheese plate." Fair. 

 It is human nature so let's all just admit it and move on.

3. "Maybe the person next to you likes stocky bald guys. Or they have a thing for tall, voluptuous ladies (if they're smart... :)"  I agree with her.  On both types.

As performers, how are we to know what our audience finds attractive.  Maybe one audience member has a thing for buff guys with blond hair.  Maybe the person next to them likes a little cushion for the pushin.  Maybe someone two rows away loves short red heads and the person in the back row of the balcony likes big butts and he cannot lie.  We can't please everyone.  We can barely please the director and conductor.

"I said Agitato not extra tacos!!"

As performers, we are there on stage to sing and perform.  Not physically appeal to each and every audience member.  We can't.  So why the hell do we keep trying?  I personally find talent sexy as shit.  Just sayin...

4.  "...but please remember that we are responsible for epic music making, and drama, and someone who doesn't look like ___ (insert poster child here) *may* just take your breath away with their whole package."  Hee. Hee.  Package.  Other than that, I have nothing to add to that perfect statement.
"It's my high C in a box!"

5.  This isn't in the post above but was a comment Ms Goerke left on the post. "I'd like to add- GOD BLESS the singers who look like models and have the goods.  Truly. Taking nothing away from them!!"  Once again, amen.  For those buff and slim singers out there who can maintain a killer bod and still sing like (opera) rock stars, good on you.  But as I've said many, many, many times before, the "goods" (as Ms Goerke called them) are more important than the model looks.  Not the other way around.

Working on yourself, both physically and vocally, is not a bad thing.  Far from it!  Even your "Chunk in Chief" here works out.  I try to lose weight and better myself.  It's a good thing (see, I told you I'd qualify my statement from earlier) and being healthy, able bodied people is absolutely necessary to do our jobs to the best of our ability.  But we as singers shouldn't feel obligated to be something we are not.  I've talked with MANY young singers who feel pressured to be a Barihunk.  They feel that it is how they can succeed in the business and sadly, they think it's the only way.  I can personally attest to this.  When I started out, I felt I HAD to get on that Barihunks site.  I felt it was a prerequisite for being a performer.  And it was always a real hit to my self confidence when I was never pictured on it.  Really hard hit.  It took me a good long while to figure out that THAT wasn't me. (Full disclosure- I am on that site under "Reader Submission.")  This is a problem.  This business is f*cking hard enough without throwing on the added weight (pun intended) of trying to all be supermodels.  It's not fair to us as humans.

So why is the business doing this to us?  Ms. Goerke addressed her comment to the managers.  I don't think her messages should stop with them.  I think casting directors, artistic administrators, colleagues, hell, everyone in the business needs to remember what it is we actually do.  We sing.  We perform.

And young singers out there, I say this to you- "Be the best you you can."  If that means you run marathons and sing bitchin arias, awesome.  If that means you like pizza and beer and can perform the shit out of an opera, fantastic.  If that means you like stealing worn panties from peoples homes, see a doctor cause that shit ain't right.  We are all amazing in our own way.  We should NOT be something we are not.  No one can do YOU better than YOU.  Be your best you. Except Stenson.  Stenson sucks.

*steps off soapbox, prepares for battle*

Monday, April 11, 2016


Howdy Y'all-

Sorry for the long absence, but you know, sometimes life happens.  Stupid needy life...

Anywho, let's jump back into the BC world.  First up, a quick shout out to Tamara Wilson on her recent win of the Richard Tucker Award!  Not that we needed this award to inform us of how amazing Tammy is as a singer and performer.  Congrats!!

Pictured: Official Bad Ass

Now let's get some new members into the BC family.  First up, a woman who needs no introduction-

What can I say about this women that hasn't already been said?  "Christine Goerke is the Wagner-Strauss soprano we have been waiting for, a multi-hued miracle of gale-force power, and pin point control, effortlessly riding over the most clamoring orchestras." Yeah, she's kind of a big deal.  Her voice is a true tour de force.  My wife describes Ms. Goerke as her spirit animal.  You haven't heard of Le Goerke?  Oh, well I'll give you a few moments while you click on her link above and listen to her for awhile.  No, go on, I'll wait...  You back now?  Well, am I right or what???  And on top of the incredible instrument, she is one of the best colleagues you could ever hope to work with.  Kind, generous, funny, with a magical unicorn voice? Yes please. She is currently singing Brunnhilde at Houston Grand Opera.

Sing loud and carry a big stick. A pointy pointy stick.

"His voice has power and beauty throughout its impressive compass, including a ringing upper register to rival a tenor’s..."  That's a pretty good way of describing Will's voice.  Another would be to say that after 15 seconds of hearing him sing, you start to hate him because of how talented he is.  The man can flat out sing!!  Bonus points for being an all around stand up guy. He's also a ambassador for opera.  Chatting up strangers and locals he meets while out to dinner or at a bar and getting them tickets to the show he is currently in - what a guy! Expanding operas audience - that's what Will Liverman is all about. Also, his original YouTube song cycles are the Die schöne Müllerin of the modern day. Ok ok but did Schubert write a tribute lied to Wendy's? Yeah, didn't think so. Seriously, go watch it. Will is currently gearing up for a Le Comte Ory at Seattle Opera.

There is a zero percent chance most of us will ever look this cool. Ever.

Pictured: Ginger Don Draper

NORM (as he's known to his friends, or maybe it's just me who calls him that) is a native of Hickory, North Carolina.  (How frickin cool is it to be from a town called Hickory, by the way?)  Known for his portrayals of characters such as Tom Rakewell, Ferrando, Tamino, Hoffmann etc etc etc, Norman's singing has been described as "riveting" "impassioned" and a "vocal sensation."  Norman's singing is no joke.  It is the real deal.  He is a gentleman in the truest form of the word and one of the best colleagues you will ever get the chance to work with.  NORM is currently working on, what was it... Oh yeah, West Side Story with Cecilia Bartoli.

Tights wearing skills  = +10

"Wonderfully expressive" baritone Joo Won Kang is originally from South Korea.  He burst on to the American operatic scene with well received performances of roles such as Sharpless, Figaro, Marcello, Onegin, Ford... shit, the guy can sing it all.  The first place and audience choice winner of the 2014 McCammon Vocal Competition isn't too shabby either. His warm full voice is a joy to hear and a friendlier man is hard to find.  He is currently singing Figaro in David Gately's epic production of Il barbiere di Siviglia at Fort Worth Opera, alongside other Bari-Chunk favorites such as Andrew Stenson, Tyler Simpson, and Kyle Albertson.

Accessory game is on point

"Dimitri Pittas, a sensitive a Macduff as you’re likely to hear… responds not with a vengeful howl but in tender tones that make the evening shudder with a spasm of sincerity." Spasm of sincerity. Wow, that is descriptive.  Dimitri is known for his portrayals of such iconic tenor roles as Tamino, Nemorino, Alfredo, Edgardo, Rodolpho, Macduff, Don Carlo, The Duke... My fingers are getting tired typing all those roles.  You get the idea.  Guy does it all and does it well.  His voice makes me spasm with "sincerity."  And as is true of all the people above, Dimitri is a fantastic person and colleague.  No one feels out of place working with him and he just makes you feel at ease.  Damn fine man.

Sergeant Mensch McKickass, at your service

There you go.  Welcome to the BC Nation, y'all!!!!!

Sunday, October 11, 2015

A Quick Note from the Editor-in-Chunk (and then back to our regularly scheduled insanity)

Well, hello Chunk Nation!!  How are you today?  That's great.

So I feel a need, as a writer, editor, and co-founder of Bari-Chunks, to reiterate a few points about this blog and to also get a few things off my chest.

For those of you new to this blog or for those of you who may have forgotten, Bari-Chunks was created to highlight great singers, regardless of sex, body shape, or any other designation you can think of.  That and to have some fun :)  I believe that great singing is the first and foremost qualification of a great singer.  Not looks, not popularity.  Singing.  It's what separates us from the rest of the artistic jungle.  Other blogs out there might disagree with me and that's fine.  That is their right.  They put the focus on places that singers have performed or on how good they look.  In my humble opinion, that's not only wrong, but it is harmful to our art form.  Now, am I saying that buff singers can't be good singers?  Of course not!  There are plenty of sexy singers out there who rock (and by the way, not everyone's definition of sexy is the same.  Just something to consider). There are quite a few that we have mentioned in this blog but we mention them here because first and foremost, they are fantastic singers.  Everything else is icing on the cake (mmmmm, icing and cake....)

We are not TV or movie actors/actresses/porn stars.  We are singers.  Singing is what makes our art form special.  We should embrace it, hell, celebrate it.  What we do is pretty damn amazing.  I'm guessing Brad Pitt can't sing over an orchestra so why is it expected that singers have to be as good looking as Mr Pitt for close ups?  It doesn't make sense to me.  Maybe I'm alone in this view but I don't think so.  Now, do I enjoy looking at beautiful people?  Hell yeah.  I'm human.  But would I rather hear hear "Largo factotum" sung really well by a guy who's got a belly or a shirtless bodybuilder who spent more time on his biceps than on his breathing technique?  I'd go with the belly every time. Would I prefer a "Vissi d'arte" sung by a rather unknown soprano whose performance moves me or a singer who has 12 albums and phones in her performance because she's sung the aria 350 times? Someone who moves me, no brainer.

Recently, a couple articles made the rounds on the interwebs promoting sexy singers.  Queerty's article entitled "Top Ten Hottest Opera Hunks Who Sing us Love Songs in our Dreams" and Operetta Research Center's promotion of the aforementioned article and the blog Barihunks seem to be flooding my newsfeeds.  I have a couple problems with these articles.  First, if I as a straight male wrote an article selecting 10 sexy women I like to dream about I'm pretty sure I'd be branded a sexist. Queerty's article uses lines such as "Great, he can sing.  But check out the guns on this guy!"  Can you imagine if my imaginary article included the line "Sure, she can sing, but look at her boobs!"  You would all be lining up to slap me and my wife would be the first to do so.  Rightfully so.  Both lines are objectifying to the singer.  How come Queerty can get away with it?  Secondly, and I'm sure you saw this coming in my list of complaints, they put looks above singing.  Operetta Research Center's article says "Both (Queerty and Barihunks) demonstrate that opera is not about “fat ladies” singing anymore, but about joyful erotic stimulation with music."  Opera has never been about the Fat Lady!!!!!! It has always been about good singing!!!!!!  And the phrase "erotic stimulation"  seems a bit extreme for opera.  I've been turned on at the opera before but it has never been because of the nudity. Just saying.  I'm not interested in trying to hide a boner at the Met.  If I want to Zauber my flöte I'll go home and rely on Rule 34. Thirdly, why do you want someone singing opera to you in your sleep?  Opera is loud as hell.  I don't want some guy screaming at me in a foreign language when I'm trying to sleep.  Sounds like a specific level of hell to me.

Recently, an opera company posted this meme;
I could spend a hour or so talking about this meme, but I'll cut to the chase-
1.  The first picture is a stock photo promoting a stereotype.  It's not opera.  It's someone paid to be in metal underwear.  
2. The photo of Julia Lima (whom I do not know, nor am I familiar with her work.  I assume she's lovely) is not a picture of opera.  It is a picture of Julia Lima.  And in a pose I've never seen an opera singer sing in.  I've had to sing in some unusual positions before but never "about to sit on a chair someone cruelly removed last second."  Nor have I ever seen that costume in an opera.  It is just a dynamite picture of an attractive woman.  There is nothing inherently wrong with this photo but it does not define opera any more than our old friend Brunhilde Brasstits up there. Julia Lima is not opera.  Julia Lima is Julia Lima.  As mentioned many times before on this blog, opera is a team sport.  None of us can do it alone.  This meme is just wrong on many levels.  (Side note, the opera company took down this post...)

I'm sure I'm coming off as a broken record.  "Singing is more important than looks."  "Fat people are people too."  "I want a donut."  But I hope my point is getting across.  Singing IS what is makes us, us.  We can't forget that.  If we do, we're not us anymore.  And donuts are delicious.   

Now that all that semi-serious stuff is out of the way and to prove that Bari-Chunks is, at its gravy soaked heart,  a satire blog that is no better than anyone else, I'd like to present to you my list of "Opera Singers I'd Like to Sing to Me in Bed."

Her velvety, sultry tones are gorgeous and I'm pretty sure she'd bring me a whiskey in bed.

Man, I want to be Craig Verm when I grow up.  Plus, he looks like a snuggler.

Her voice melts your soul in the best possible way.  

It might be awkward at first but I'm sure it would be enjoyable. He looks pretty excited about it.

Her voice is like butter and she's is also a really good cook who uses lots of butter.

One word- tacos.  Two more words- glorious singer. 

I like to talk sports in bed.

His character portrayals are riveting, his high notes are insane, and his pasty head could be my nightlight.

With a voice like hers you can't help but go to bed with a smile on your face.

I just want to yell "Norm" when he comes to bed. #mensch

He'd make me tea in bed.

I's Jamie Barton, y'all. #JamieMFBarton Also, we would laugh a whole whole lot

Besides being an amazing singer and performer, she has a fantastic dog.  Dogs are awesome.

He looks like he'd be ok if I cried a little when he sang to me.

No one else will take him to bed and I feel sorry for him.

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Don't Be a D**k

Um, is thing still on?  Hello?

Damn, its been awhile.  My apologies to our 4 loyal followers.  Mea culpa.  I've been busy...and lazy...  Well, it's time I fixed both of those problems and put my energy towards something that matters; a Bari-Chunks blog post.  So here we go.

I try to live my professional life by one simple motto- "Be a better person than I am a performer."  I try to live my personal life by a less PC version of the same motto- "Don't be a dick."  I don't always succeed with either (usually fail miserably), but I do try.  Seems like everywhere I go, someone is being a dick.  DICKS ARE EVERYWHERE!!  But what can I do about this?  Well, I could do my best at living up to the good standards I set for myself and hope that karma and the universe sees fit to let it rub off on all the world making it a better place...or I could vent about it on a semi well-known blog.  Yeah, I'll do the second one.

As stated above, dicks are everywhere we turn, but there are a few places, situations, and groups of people that seem to force the dickish behavior, or dickhavior (TM) to the forefront.  Lets look at some of those, shall we?

1. Airports

Airports might be one of the most miserable places on earth.  You are forced to wait in long lines, pay ridiculously high prices for food and drink ($6 for a bottle of water?!?!?!  Go home Hudson News, you're drunk), cram yourself into tiny seats on a giant flying metal dildo next to screaming babies and extremely gassy business men, and if you're really lucky, a high school drop out will "accidentally" touch your cash and prizes.


I can see why people are grumpy here but it seems many people feel the need to go the extra mile and earn the title, Captain Dick.  We all know who these people are.  They are the ones who stand on the left side of the moving sidewalk.  They are the goblins who fart in the seat next to you and pretend it wasn't them.  They are the gremlins who let their kids cry throughout the entire flight while they have their noise cancelling headphones on practicing their first round of public detachment parenting. They are the trolls who give the flight attendants attitude when they have to put down their Kindle Fire, free cocktail, enormous ego, and micropenis to acknowledge that they are sitting in an exit row and might have to open a damn door in the event of an emergency.  They are the trash monsters who deem their second carry on bag to be more important than your small suitcase and stow it in the overhead compartment, forcing you to gate check said suitcase and having to wait for it after the flight has landed causing you to miss your connecting flight.  Listen Carl, your man purse and custom made Tom Ford shawl can go under the damn seat in front of you!  DON'T BE A SCHLONG!!

2.  Grocery Stores

Food.  We all need it.  So why do people feel the need to act like spoiled children when it comes time to buy it?  I understand the desire to find the freshest peach, but do you really need to squeeze, smell, and lick every peach before you pick one?  And do you think that the 15 items or less sign applies to everyone but you or did you just never learn to count?  And for the record no, four different types of Doritos do not count as just one item.  And the dickery isn't limited to the inside of the store. Oh no. The parking lot is usually much worse.  Navigating a car through a maze of unreturned shopping carts (how hard is it to push the cart to one of those cart corrals, seriously), oblivious pedestrians who apparently like tempting fate by slowly walking to their car in the middle of the road with their entire family spread five across like range animals, and trying to get around that one car who has been waiting for 10 minutes for that "one" spot because it is closer to the Starbucks inside, is enough to make the Pope drop the F bomb.  Speaking of parking lots, the lines on the ground are not just concrete graffiti.  They are conveniently situated as to give you guidance on where to dock your land tank, ma'am. Please try to use them. Also, your extended length SUV is not a compact car, you WIENER!

This is the winter of MY discontent

Along the lines of parking lots...

3. Handicapped Parking Spots

Unless you have a sticker, license plate, or other legal designation on your car that says you can park in a handicapped spot, DON'T PARK THERE!!  I don't care how full the lot is, I don't care how hung over you are, I don't care if you only have five minutes until a veggie tray has to be at the PTA meeting or Janet will lose her shit again and you can't handle it right now. Do not park there.  I will find you.  DON'T BE A JOHNSON!! You either, Janet.

4. Ordering food

What is with this latest craze of being extremely particular when ordering food?  "Um, can I have the buffalo chicken sandwich but instead of buffalo sauce, can I get a Cuban rub instead?  And instead of chicken can I get a fish?  And is the bun 14 grain AND gluten free?  And instead of the fries can I get some fresh spinach mixed with some raptor eggs and the blood of a freshly slaughtered room temperature pigeon?  And can you make me a sample first so I know if I'll like it? Also, please remove this ice from my water with your hands. The coldness isn't ayurvedic. You know what, just bring that all on a yoga mat."  Settle down Todd, you're at Applebee's.  It always seems like these ass clowns are also the ones who get really particular about splitting the check at the end of the night.  "Well I didn't really have 1/2 of that appetizer and you used part of my butter so..."  And you know they only tip 10%. If you can't order like a grown ass adult then sit at home and eat your individually portioned sadness from a cruelty free plastic bag on your organic high horse all alone.  Ugh, DON'T BE A WANG!!!!

Pretty sure she's gonna spit in your food, Todd
5.  Driving

One of the few places where being a dick can kill someone.  We've all done dickish things while driving; texting, talking on the phone, screaming "GET A HAIRCUT, YOU PENIS" at someone who cuts you off (true story), but some people have taken it to a whole other level.  I have some questions for these people.  Ladies (or men) who put on makeup while driving- how long until your nostril hair shines with 2015's lip gloss color of the year?  Person with their laptop out- does Apple Care cover your Macbook if it's impaled in your stupid face?  Hefty guy with a Chipotle burrito bowl in your lap- WTF, man? I'm sorry your insurance sucks but the plastic fork tonsillectomy is not the way to go. Also, when driving, don't be that guy who drives past all the stand still traffic just to try and get over at the last minute.  Just don't.  You are the worst kind of human. I will never let you in and I'll probably call you a penis. #partoftheproblem DON'T BE A MUSHROOM STAMPER!!

If I close my eyes while I eat this the sensation is majestic
Along the same vein...

6.  Bicyclers

Ok, so you're saving the environment and burning butt loads of calories by biking to and from work. Congrats.  Your calves are glorious. Your ass is a beacon. Go home and throw yourself a small carb free party.  You're a better person than I am but just in case you didn't know, YOU STILL HAVE TO FOLLOW ALL THE RULES OF THE ROAD!  That means you have to stop at a red light, that pedestrians have the right of way, and that you have to signal when turning.  And don't you dare give me the middle finger when I honk at you for cutting me off.  I am driving a half ton metal death machine and am thoroughly uninterested in a new head ornament. I super don't want to kill you, Walter. It would jack up my Wednesday real good and yours too, BTdubs.  Also, I will already be two beers in at the bar by the time your sweaty ass gets there. #yesIwilluberhome Who's winning now?!  DON'T BE A ONE EYED MONSTER!!!

Not cool, Walter.
7. Bars

We are all there for the same reason.  To drink until we can't feel feelings anymore.  So be patient when in line at the bar.  Don't be that guy who squeezes his fat ass into a small opening at the bar and then smiles at the person whose drink he just spilled as if to say "Don't mind me and my shoulder hair, I'm just here to drink and awkwardly stare at the female bartender". Don't be the hipster with her nipples out trying to get her Michelob Ultra faster than everyone else. That's cheating, Barbara, and no one likes a cheater.  DON'T BE THE BALONEY PONY!!!

Hygiene Barbara. Hygiene.   
8.  Audience Members

It doesn't matter if you're in a movie theater, at a play, or at the opera, there are always dicks in the audience.   For the record, when the PA system asks everyone to turn off their cell phones, THAT MEANS YOU TOO!!!  Unless you are a doctor who is on call for a last minute surgery and you have some medical condition that keeps you from feeling a vibration, TURN THE DAMN THING OFF! Getting Megan's text about her date last night can wait until we are all finished enjoying The Notebook.  She will understand.  (Quick side note about those announcements they make at the beginning of the shows - why do they say turn off your cell phones and beepers.  Who the hell still uses a beeper?  Probably Todd. Anyway, it just bugs me.)   This mainly applies to opera and theater audience members but how hard is it to open a hard candy or cough drop without reenacting the first act of Stomp?  Seriously, nothing that small should be that noisy.  Side note: what about classical music gives people insatiable cravings for Werther's? "God, Che gelida manina just makes me want caramel flavored wax SO BAD CAN'T STOP WON'T STOP!!!" DON'T BE MR. WINKY!!!!

De Niro in Cape Fear is less annoying than your incessant texting
9.  Audition Hallways

OMG.  As already addressed in previous posts, audition hallways are the worst.  They are crowded, smell of 50 years of depression and self loathing, and can suck your soul faster than a Dementor.  The addition dickhavior (TM) only makes those hallways worse than Donald Trump's Presidential Campaign.   If you feel you might be one of those people who exhibit dickhavior (TM), ask yourself these simple questions- Do you talk about your resume to people you have just met?  Do you hog the one of the limited stalls in the bathroom to warm up?  Do you say judgy things about other people's outfits behind their back? Do you take up four sitting spots for your suitcase, coat, and hair products? Is today your first day trying natural deodorant?  Are you crashing the audition?  If you answered yes to any or all of the previous questions, then you are exhibiting dickhavior.  Stop it.  DON'T BE A MAGIC SKIN FLUTE!!!

Pictured: Mordor

10.  Social Media

Facebook and Twitter (or as I call them Twitbook (TM)), can be a glorious things where people can stalk the crushes they never had the guts to ask out, catch up with their old high school shop teacher, post their food porn pictures, kitten videos, GOFUNDMEs, selfies, etc to the delight of all their followers.  There is a downside to social media (well, many), it gives people a place to express their opinions.  Opinions that, 8 years ago, were saved for your closest friends or were swallowed whole during family drunksgiving once a year. Now, I know what you are going to say, and no, I haven't been drinking (visit my GoFundMe page for details  I get the irony of me expressing my opinions on social media about the dickishness of expressing opinions on social media, but I'm a walking contradiction.  I just can't help myself.  Way too often on social media, comments or discussions turn very negative, very quickly.   It's totally understandable that not everyone will see things the exact same way when it comes to hot button issues, but is it really necessary to whip out the dickhavior (TM) just because you don't agree with someone?

We can't even agree on the color of this's black and blue, you monster!
You don't agree with me that Obamacare is a great first step forward towards all people in this country getting the quality of life we all deserve?  That's fine, but why did you feel the need to compare my mother to a pile of shit left by Hitler's dog?  You don't believe, as I do, that Chicago Cubs will win the World Series in the next 5 years?  Cool, but telling me that idea is as stupid Jared from Subway opening a daycare center is just mean.  Why must you be so mean?????  DON'T BE A PORK SWORD!!

What's my point with all this venting?  I'm glad you asked.  We all exhibit dickhavior (TM), myself included.  But why?  It's a question for which I don't have an answer.  Is it our "Me First" society?  Is it the negative tone of the people we look up to? The politicians, the newscasters, the comedians, the musicians?  Is it that life is just so damn hard?  Or is it because we just don't take time to think of others over ourselves.  I don't know.  All I do know is that it is easier to be a dick than not to be a dick.  But easy isn't always best.  #DontBeADick