There are many differences between the Bari-Chunks Nation and the Barihunk World. This is painfully obvious to anyone with eyes...or ears...or mouths filled with kale instead of cake balls. But what's it like to date one? What makes Barihunks tick, and what makes Bari-Chunks tock. Jessica Rosen, thedeparted, and Etta van Bourbon sat down and composed this comparison. Now granted, this is only based on our experiences and wild accusations, but we feel this is something everyone will benefit from reading.
1. Barihunk: If you've fallen head over heels for a Barihunk, you've fallen for a leading man, or someone hoping to be a leading man. This is important to know. Because with a leading man, IT'S ALL ABOUT HIM. Remember that.
Bari-Chunk: If you've fallen for a Bari-Chunk, you've fallen for a secondary man. It's rarely about him, unless it's his Birthday.
2. Barihunk: If he has a show that day (or within the next calendar month), do what ever he needs you to do. This includes sex, food, water, sleep, etc. "I have a performance tonight that could make my career!"
Bari-Chunk: If he has a show that day, you might want to remind him. There are many more important things in the world than a show. "I have a show tonight? Better put on pants."
3. Barihunk: Always carry hair products for him. A bad hair day for him could cost him 10's of fans.
Bari-Chunks: Always carry bacon.
4. Barihunk: Flirting with other people is part of the job. As a handsome leading man, he HAS to flirt with girls, boys, dogs, cats, Grandma, those baristas, that squirrel over there, etc. His flirting could lead to a gig, or free hair care. And it makes him feel good about his image. This is one of those things you are just going to have to deal with. (See #1)
Totally asking for it.
Bari-Chunk: You might have to get used to the fact that he talks dirty to pizza. There was also that one incident of croissant fondling...
5. Barihunk: Sex is important to him, and he needs it. Especially before gigs. It might seem demanding, but he knows what he needs to have a good show.
Bari-Chunk: Sex is awesome. We will do anything for you if you let us have it. Seriously. Anything.
6. Barihunk: After a show, you must be prepared to stroke the ego. Tell him how good he looked on stage and how wonderful he sounded. Also, be patient as he talks to donors, patrons, and fans. It's best just to stay out of his way during this.
Bari-Chunk: Be prepared to tell him where the nearest open bar is. It's way past beer:30.
7. Barihunk: If you get sick, please understand that he can't get what you've got. He might stay in a hotel for awhile, but it's nothing personal.
Bari-Chunk: "I know you're sick, but can we still make out?"
8. Barihunk- Respect his gym time. This is important. His chiseled physique is one of his greatest weapons in the operatic world.
And what if this is the day he gets that coveted Bowflex endorsement?!
Bari-Chunk: Respect his video game time. This is important. His 14-0 season on Madden '14 is one of his greatest bragging rights.
9. Barihunk: Understand that while rehearsing and performing a show, he might seem distant. He might seem to spend more time with his other leading colleagues than you. It's ok. This is still part of the job.
Bari-Chunk: Understand that he might lose some money in the backstage poker games. He is sorry about that.
Not my whole "La cena e pronta" fee again!
10. Barihunk: Be willing to listen to him explain who the greatest Baritone of the 1980's was.
Bari-Chunk: Be willing to listen to him explain who would win in a fight between Batman and Ironman. (It would totally be Batman)
So, there you go. We hope this helps all of you in the operatic dating pool. There might be many differences between the Barihunk World and the Bari-Chunk Nation, but what is more impressive is what unites us - our love for the art form that is opera. And pizza. Everybody loves pizza.
Please remember that this is a satirical blog. We're just having a little fun. I feel I need to reiterate